Hypengyophobia
by CharlotteDaBookworm
Summary: Sawada Tsunayoshi did not want to become a Mafia Boss. He had never wanted to be a leader - never wanted the control and the power and the responsibility that came with the position. And yet, somehow, Tsunayoshi thinks that he'll end up with it anyway. ONESHOT


_**Summary-**_

Sawada Tsunayoshi did not want to become a Mafia Boss. He had never wanted to be a leader - never wanted the control and the power and the responsibility that came with the position. And yet, somehow, Tsunayoshi thinks that he'll end up with it anyway. ONESHOT

 _ **Disclaimer-**_

I do not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn. I do not own the characters mentioned in this fic. I'm a teenager - I don't own anything.

Hypengyophobia is an overwhelming fear of responsibility.

* * *

Sawada Tsunayoshi did not want to become a Mafia Boss.

It wasn't because he thought that everyone in the mafia were monsters (some of his closest friends now days are mafia born and raised. Besides, it was hard to believe they were monsters when you have looked true evil in the eye) or that he had anything against their practices (Tsunayoshi was many things, had been many things and would be many things, but he had never been a hypocrite) or even that he wanted to live a normal life (because he had never had a normal life, Tsunayoshi wasn't even sure what normality meant. Normality is only something a person craves when they don't have it - the second they get a 'normal' life it becomes boring). In fact, if Tsuna wasn't the _heir_ , if he wasn't being groomed as the **Boss** , then he would have been happy to join the Mafia - he would have thrown himself into the training and have loved the challenge and purpose it gave to his relatively boring, average life.

But Tsunayoshi _was_ being trained to become the next boss.

And that, that above all else, was something that Tsuna could not stand. He had wanted many things (to have peace, to not have to fight, to have a family, to be a teacher, to live instead of surviving, to be _happy_ , to **die** ) and had been many things (survivor, martyr, hero, villain, saviour, murderer, monster, survivor, parent, child, alive, dead…) but not once had he ever wanted to be a leader. He had never wanted the control and the power that came with the position.

(Tsunayoshi ignored the voices in the back of his head. Voices that spoke of a time when he was so angry and confused, of a time where he had been scared and just couldn't _understand_. Of when he hated the world and the world hated him. Of how his mind had broken under the constant strain and how he had craved power and control and to **never be** **alone and afraid again**. Tsuna ignored the images - _the memories_ \- of bodies piled high and thrown aside, of streets that ran red with blood and gore, of the pleasure that came from eliminating the opposition, of crushing those who would rise up against him, of torturing children and innocents for little to no reason other than enjoying it, of sending men to their deaths. He ignored the part of him that had revelled in the useless bloodshed and the unneeded murder and the senseless destruction and the meaningless death. He ignored the part of him that longed, _that begged,_ _**that craved,**_ for it even now.)

Long ago, Tsuna remembers someone saying to him that you either died as a hero or you lived long enough to see yourself become a villain. The problem with that statement is that, while correct, it assumes that after death you're done - that it's over and you get a blank slate to work with and everything starts all over again. But, for people like Mukuro (for people like Tsunayoshi) that is wrong. They end up festering in left over emotions and memories - craving what they can never have again - and it breaks them; it undoubtedly, irrevocably destroys them. A broken hero is naught more than a villain, no matter how you look at it.

(That is something that Tsunayoshi knows personally. He has seen the greatest of men fall under their own memories, has been forced to watch as those he cares for have shattered and lost themselves. Twice already in this lifetime Tsuna has seen it happen - Mukuro and Byakuran had been naught but broken souls who had lost themselves to the tide [of memories and hopes and dreams and grief and anger and despair and pain] and had drowned.)

You did not put a villain in a position of power. Ever.

And, while Tsuna's morals have always been messed up ( _he had been a child soldier so long ago. Back in nir first life. An infiltration and assassination specialist. She had been picked up off of the streets, nothing more than an orphaned street rat with some skill for blades, and had killed her first man by the age of 6. She had died while on the battlefield at the age of 29 - a miracle for someone with a life expectancy of 4-5 years after her first kill - as a veteran of two wars, a mother to two dead children and as the widowed wife of a good man. A person will never forget their first life, no matter how old you get, no matter how much the faces fade, no matter how much you live. The first life always stays with you._ ) and he had killed innocents in his time ( _sometimes because a mission demanded it, sometimes because it was necessary to protect nir precious people and sometimes because it was kinder to kill them then to let them live. Sometimes just because_ ) but he had never taken pleasure in it until that moment.

Until that life.

The worst thing about it is that a large part of Tsunayoshi still craves that time - the complete control and power and cruelty and the rush that it gave him - and he knows, _he knows,_ that it wouldn't take much for him to lose it, to snap and regress.

And that scares him more than anything.

Because Tsuna knows that his mental state isn't stable - it never has been, not really. Not even in his first life. It had been even worse, those first few years after his first death - with Tsunayoshi trying desperately to come to terms with never seeing those he loved again, with the constant grief and pain ( _I won't seem them again, I'll_ _ **never**_ _see them again_ ) and the anger ( _WHY ME! Why the fuck does it have to be_ _ **me!?**_ _)_ and the fear ( _fear that comes with not being able to understand the language and the culture, that comes from being completely alone and helpless for the first time in years, that stems from closing your eyes as a competent and independent adult only to wake up as a weak child._ )

But, eventually, Tsuna had recovered ever so slowly - he had dealt with the festering anger and he grieved for those that he had lost and continued to lose, he threw himself into learning languages and cultures and history to take away from the helplessness he felt and, after a long while, he started to become accustomed to the constant feelings of pain and loss. He adapted.

So for a while, Tsunayoshi was content and sometimes even happy. He adjusted to the cycle of reincarnation and tried not to break down when he realised one day (during his 8th or 9th life) that he could hardly recall the faces of his husband and children. It wasn't perfect and Tsuna wasn't _whole_ but he was content.

And then, he **snapped.**

(To this day, Tsuna still isn't sure what caused it. Whether it was the constant war and fighting or the never-ending loss and breaking of bonds. Whether it had something to do with constantly dying young - _but old, oh so old, at the same time_ \- or whether maybe someone had just said something wrong. He doesn't even know if he has any triggers that go beyond the basic things that had caused him to shut down lifetimes ago.

All Tsunayoshi knows is that he snapped and became what he had fought against for most of his existence.)

By the time he had come back to himself, so many where dead and even more were dying - all at his hand. He had entire years that were missing - the memories only coming back in pieces years later - and it had taken decades to remember everything that he had done during that time. Even after he remembered, he never fully recovered from it.

Tsuna has never let himself have a position of power since that day. He hasn't dared to. Not since he has no idea what had set him off and his mental state is nowhere near as strong as it was back then.

All it would take is one wrong statement, one wrong action, and Vongola under his command would become a ruthless dictator - killing everything in its path.

So no, Sawada Tsunayoshi does not want to become a Mafia Boss.

Not now, not ever.

Not when he knows what he's capable of doing with that power.

Tsuna doesn't want that power.

He doesn't want that responsibility.

 _ **But, somehow, Tsunayoshi thinks that he'll end up with it anyway.**_

* * *

So, welcome to my November fic update/posting. Sorry it took so long. Hope you liked it and I wanted to say thanks to everyone who has read this or any one of my fics. I'm glad that people enjoy them.

This is something that I started back in September, typed up in October and edited today. I actually wrote the majority of this fic while on break during college. I don't know all that much about KHR and I don't have a beta so try to forgive any errors in this fic.

Thanks for reading,

CharlotteDaBookworm


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